What to do when a loved one with OCD asks for Reassurance

Reassurance seeking is a very common compulsion for people suffering from OCD.

People with OCD are often plagued with intrusive thoughts and images, and as a result, they develop compulsions to reduce the anxiety they feel when they have these intrusive thoughts, images, or feelings of uncertainty.

Reassurance seeking can show up in many ways, and it is not always obvious to friends and family that these compulsions are taking place. Reassurance seeking can be a purely mental compulsion in that the person asks themselves for reassurance in their head, or perhaps they retrace steps in their mind to assure themselves that oven was turned off. Reassurance seeking can also be done by using the internet to research and ask for answers.

Reassurance seeking from others can look like:

• Am I bad?
• Did I do something bad?
• Is it okay if I do “X"?
• Is it okay if I eat this?
• Is it okay if I sleep in my bed?
• Is it okay if I play with this toy?
• Are you sure I locked the door?
• Are you sure I turned the oven off before we left the house?
• Apologizing repeatedly when they have done nothing wrong out of fear they have

Seeking reassurance mentally can look like:

• Checking repeatedly in your head and trying to visualize if you turned off the oven or made your bed
• Repeating “I am good” over and over in your head or out loud to counteract feeling bad
• Reviewing past behaviors in one's mind mentally
• Repeatedly telling themselves what they would like to hear from others

Seeking reassurance using the internet

Many people look to the internet to find reassurance for different things, however, what separates the average person using Google as a resource and someone with OCD is the amount of time they spend searching for answers and reassurance.

Someone with OCD will use the internet excessively to find answers.

• Googling “Am I bad if I ...”
• Googling “Am I gay?"
• Going onto discussion forums and asking reassurance from people on the internet
• Searching for stories written by other people that struggle with similar compulsions or symptoms of OCD
• Looking for stories about bad people to make sure the person is not similar to them

Why is reassurance seeking ineffective for treating and responding OCD?

Seeking reassurance from friends and family is a normal thing to do and a normal response to stressful or uncertain situations.

However, for people with OCD, reassurance seeking is often excessive in frequency (multiple times a day, multiple times an hour, multiple times a minute) and they struggle to move past the uncertainty without the help of reassurance seeking. Like all types of OCD obsessions, it then becomes all consuming and debilitating.

Reassurance seeking offers temporary relief to people that struggle with OCD, but in the long run makes their OCD much worse. Each time a person gives in, it strengthens the obsessions and makes them come back stronger.

Picture going to the gym and doing biceps curls. Over time, with repeated exposure to biceps curls, your biceps become bigger and stronger.

Offering reassurance to your family or friend with OCD is much like them doing biceps curls repeatedly. Over time, with enough reassurance, their OCD becomes bigger and stronger.

What can I do to instead of offering reassurance to my loved one?

• Tell your loved one to stop asking for reassurance and that you will no longer respond to requests for reassurance.
• Tell other loved ones and family members to stop offering reassurance.
• Tell them the opposite of what they want to hear (“Am I bad?” — “I’m not sure. You may be bad. Everyone is good and bad.”)
• Draw attention to their OCD in a kind way (“Hmm, it sounds like your OCD has something to say!”)

In the short term, this will make their OCD worse, and it will be difficult for you to resist stepping in to offer them relief and comfort – but in the long term, you will be assisting them in regaining control of their life.

Exposure and Ritual Prevention (ERP) is the gold standard treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If you or a loved one are struggling with OCD, reach out to us and we will connect you with one of our qualified OCD experts.